catching his breath

I freeze. Stop. Pause.

The words don’t come.

Here for a cause.

To tell him just some

Of the things he’s made

Possible in my life.

But thoughts on parade

Create great strife

Inside my heart.

Confusion and hesitation;

Where to start?

Oh, the frustration…

But then I stop in confidence

With reason for ponder.

Thanks to the Spirit he sent—

My God doesn’t have to wonder.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts know the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. –Paul.

Surface level stuff seems good in my life, but I have an aching that I am missing something deeper. Perhaps like Martha I’m distracted from spending time with Jesus, sitting at his feet, infusing the rhythms of his life with mine. When people sleep, events are over, activities at rest the emptiness consumes me.  

I wanted to pray today and couldn’t. Where are the deeper things? I’d like to think I drink of the deep well of God’s love, but I haven’t felt the refreshing of it.

The next few weeks I will seek to find the deep where I can anchor my anxiety. Hope compels me. I tried to pray today and couldn’t. So I wrote.

Some of the deepest, most fruitful people emerged into a life of powerful influence from a life of prayer, solitude, disconnection and powerlessness. Consider Mother Teresa. Moved by aching empathy for the poor in Calcutta she began serving them with limited resources, impotent political and networking power and nothing much to offer except her love and life. Yet her story of immeasurable and radical love penetrates the coldest hearts.

I don’t get it. How does someone with such limited resources offer such unlimited benevolence?

When I come across a person whose had an impact on society of this magnitude I find myself asking misguided questions (questions conditioned by the overtones of American progress). I ask “What does this person say or believe or do to get the job done?” or “What resources and connections does this person use?” and “What type of system or program does this person use?” But these questions breakdown when you use them to investigate the work of someone like Mother Teresa.

Well, let me back up. They break down as long as they stay focused on the surface of the activity. Let me explain.

She does have resources, connections and power. She taps into a reality that avails itself to all of us. She says and believes and does certain things which cultivate and promote her work. She says she’s not alone. She believes in the One who creates life out of nothing. She labors in faith that he will do that very thing. She feeds knowing food will be there again tomorrow. She touches the unclean knowing God has called all clean. She dies daily in pain and weariness knowing that he brings strength and vitality to those who faint.

She does have a system. It’s love. It unconditional love that moves to relieve the results of fallen humanity. It’s trust. She trusts that as she acts God will work through her and make miracles of her mistakes. He will turn her hiccups into healing. She acts and he appears.

I cannot lay blame for my floundering influence on a lack of resources, a dysfunctional network or a dwindling budget. Any kingdom grace that may result from my actions must exhaust the resource of power available beside my bed in the morning, hands folded, head bowed. An invitation needs to leave my lips and ask God to get to work animating me into a fruitful kingdom activity.

If this never happens, nothing will, no matter how hard I try.

I know. I keep trying.

God,

Deep inside I’m moved to believe you really don’t care. It hurts to admit that but sometimes when I’ve asked for you to show up… crickets. I know. I know. Your timetable, your ways. I get it. You are bringing about new creation, right? I hope so, that’s all the answer I have for my decay.

Could you weep for me? Or is that the rain today? I’ll take that.

It’s probably me. But you made me. You have me headlong in this ministry and I’m not quitting. Will you help? I trust you. I ultimately do.

But I needed to get that off my chest. I’m still here because I know you’re still here working in front of my blindness.

Josh